Congress Passes Parity in Energy Fairness Provision

Scott Ott explains the recently passed Energy Legislation calling for 40% more fuel efficiency in much more detail than can be found even in the Congressional record. In the following report Scott follows the logic of adding the Energy Fairness provision to also "legislate" efficiency in a number of other key industries that the American consumer has grown to know and love. The Parity in Energy Fairness Provision as it is also sometimes called, should soon provide the long sort after efficiencies to improve the quality of American life by 40%. Undisclosed sources indicated that drafts of this little known provision were found partially shredded in the circular file in Nancy Pelosi's office.

(SATIRE) — The U.S. Senate voted yesterday to mandate a 40 percent increase in fuel economy for new cars and light trucks by the year 2020, as a way to reduce U.S. reliance on foreign oil.

In a little-noted “fairness” provision of the bill, the Senate also required other American manufacturers to increase the efficiency of their products as well. Among the new mandates with a 2020 deadline…
– U.S. meatpackers must increase the protein content of ground beef so that a single hamburger provides a week’s supply of energy.
– Fruit and vegetable growers must reduce the heat of the mid-day sun by 40 percent so that American citizens become willing to harvest produce, thus reducing reliance upon illegal aliens
– America’s manufacturers of room deodorizers, air fresheners and evergreen tree-shaped car scent devices must show a 40 percent increase in olfactory pleasure-per-sniff (PPS) with the goal of eventually eliminating U.S. dependence on foreign aromas.
– Jazz musicians will be compelled by law to increase the number of notes per measure by 40 percent.
– The U.S. Department of Education will enforce an increase in the average S.A.T. mathematics score of public school students from the current 518, to 725, thus reducing U.S. reliance upon smart people from foreign countries.
– California winemakers must boost the alcohol content of each serving of their beverages by 40 percent in order to wean Americans off foreign-made chardonnay and merlot.
– The dairy industry will have to make a variety of cheese so sharp it will need a federal label warning against lacerations
– U.S. journalists must reduce the number of anonymous sources and unchecked facts by 40 percent, thus decreasing public reliance upon bloggers and talk radio.

--- as reported by Scott Ott / ScrappleFace

Tags: parody, sarcasm, satire, politics, zz