Edwards Campaigns on Universal Hair Care

John Edwards takes it in the shorts as Scott Ott impales him for the recent disclosure that Mr. Edwards spends a small fortune routinely keeping his "do" in check for the cameras...

(SATIRE) — Democrat presidential hopeful John Edwards today unveiled the centerpiece of his 2008 White House bid, a budget-neutral proposal to provide universal hair care to every American.

The former North Carolina senator and 2004 vice presidential candidate is the acknowledged “hair policy wonk” among Democrat candidates.

Speaking to a convention of stylists and cosmetologists yesterday, Mr. Edwards described “the vast divide between the well-coiffed and the un-coiffed masses — a divide as sharp as the part in my own tawny locks.”

“Haircuts averaging $250 to $800, which I receive, are out of reach for people who live in the other America,” said Mr. Edwards. “As a result, we see far too many getting what I call back-alley haircuts for $15 to $25, or relying on home remedies for hair conditions which really need professional attention.”

The Edwards universal hair care proposal would not boost the federal deficit, or result in real tax increases, Mr. Edwards said, because the government would negotiate favorable pricing from hair care providers, and thanks to the savings wealthy Americans could subsidize the styling of the poor." -- Scott Ott / ScrappleFace