Kerry Mistaken For Mariah Carey

(2007-01-29) — A misunderstanding over remarks by former presidential hopeful John Kerry at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland, has drawn swarms of camera-wielding paparazzi to the Massachusetts senator, forcing him to beef up his security detail.

The problem began after Sen. Kerry said that the United States has become an “international pariah.” However, gossip among news reporters in dozens of languages using the terms “pariah” and “Kerry” led some to think that the lanky Yankee was actually pop star Mariah Carey.

European fans clustered with the photographers, shouting out requests that Sen. Kerry sing Mariah Carey’s greatest hits like, “I Don’t Wanna Cry,” “Someday” and “Can’t Let Go.” - by satrist Scott Ott / ScrappleFace

The embedded video clip says it all... We are waiting for the sure to follow Jane Fonda / John Kerry photo op which should have all the over 50 crowd strolling down memory lane.

Tags: satire, sarcasm, politics, zz

Hillary Clinton the Great Neutralizer

(Satire 2007-01-29) — Just a day after laughing along with the crowd at an Iowa campaign stop over a question about how her background prepares her to deal with “evil, bad men” Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-NY, today said such men must be “neutralized” and that she “knows how to do it.”

Despite her laughter about the “bad men” remark, Sen. Clinton said, “I was thinking of no one in particular, but whoever I was not thinking of will eventually pay for his nefarious deeds when I am president.”

Reporters speculated about whether her remarks referred to terror leader Usama Bin Laden, or perhaps even to her husband, former President Bill Clinton who violated their marriage covenant when he sexually abused a young White House intern.

The senator, however, refused to specify and simply said, “I wouldn’t be where I am today if I didn’t know how to neutralize such men.”

“If a bad man knows me at all,” she said, “he knows that I have always been able protect my liberty to pursue my vision for the future and I can do the same for the United States of America when I’m commander in chief.” [Hat Tip: Scott Ott / ScrappleFace]

Satire folks. Hillary know how to neutralize men. Barack Obama watch your back.

Tags: politics, sarcasm, satire, zz

Bush Train Wreck

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The State of the Congressional Resolution on Iraq War

To gain some extraordinary insight into what our astute political leaders were up to this week, click here or on the animation to your left and we promise you will quickly become well educated on what it means for Congress to create a "Non Binding Resolution" on the President of the United States.

Learn how all your favorite political cartoon characters posture and contort to remain politically correct and speak out of all four corners of their mouths. Excellent parody.

[Hat Tip: Mark Fiore]

Tags: sarcasm, satire, political-cartoons, zz

Ray Gun Invented by U.S. Military

The military's new weapon is a ray gun that shoots a beam that makes people feel as if they will catch fire.

The technology is supposed to be harmless — a non-lethal way to get enemies to drop their weapons. Military officials say it could save the lives of innocent civilians and service members in places like Iraq and Afghanistan.

The weapon is not expected to go into production until at least 2010, but all branches of the military have expressed interest in it, officials said.

During the first media demonstration of the weapon Wednesday, airmen fired beams from a large dish antenna mounted atop a Humvee at people pretending to be rioters and acting out other scenarios U.S. troops might encounter. More...

Beer for Dogs

AMSTERDAM, Netherlands - After a long day hunting, there's nothing like wrapping your paw around a cold bottle of beer. So Terrie Berenden, a pet shop owner in the southern Dutch town of Zelhem, created a beer for her Weimaraners made from beef extract and malt.

"Once a year we go to Austria to hunt with our dogs, and at the end of the day we sit on the verandah and drink a beer. So we thought, my dog also has earned it," she said.

Berenden consigned a local brewery to make and bottle the nonalcoholic beer, branded as Kwispelbier. It was introduced to the market last week and advertised it as "a beer for your best friend."

"Kwispel" is the Dutch word for wagging a tail.

The beer is fit for human consumption, Berenden said. But at euro1.65 ($2.14) a bottle, it's about four times more expensive than a Heineken.

Tags: weird, bizarre, zz

Iranian Missile Tests: Redux

Well it seems like the Iranians are at it again. Aljazeera.net ran an article today (see below) which alleges that Iran will be conducting more tests of it's intermediary range missiles. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is flipping his middle finger to both the U.N. and the U.S. Navy which has moved a carrier battle group under the flag of the USS Stennis into the gulf region.

While this is not satire, it is however the News part of this blog's focus which we do like to comment on from time to time. (For the oxygen starved that's the News in: ZZ News & Satire) George Bush by the way was not available for comment. It's rumored that he is still busy working hard at Camp David on his state of the "kingdom" speech where he will explain to his subjects his his complex world of Opposite Land this week. -- staff

Iran has announced three days of military tests and its president says no number of UN resolutions will change the country’s stance on nuclear development.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said on Sunday: "The UN resolution was born dead and even if they adopt 10 more of such resolutions it will not affect Iran's economy and policies."

Iran's military maneuvers come days after the US announced that it would deploy a second aircraft carrier, the USS Stennis, to the Gulf.

An unnamed Iranian military commander said: "The maneuvers are aimed at evaluating defensive and fighting capabilities of the missiles."

In November, Iran test-fired dozens of missiles, including the Shahab-3 which can reach Israel, in exercises it said were aimed at putting a stop to the role of world powers in the Gulf region. More...

OpenWeb Portal Back Up

The OpenWeb Download and Arcade Portal is now back up. We have corrected certain database issues which occurred over the evening. Sorry for any inconvenience. If you are still experiencing problems registering please leave a message here. -- staff

Get V3 Arcade Flash Games For Your Blog

Want to add some Flash Games to your website? You can now download a full collection of tested arcade flash games which have been sorted, categorized, packaged and made available for immediate digital download over at OpenWeb Downloads and at PayLoadZ. Over 290+ games available in three convenient zipped digital downloads. Here is a typical example.... Shooting Arcade . You can also play them in advance in their V3 Arcade, simply register over at the Arcade.

Each of the zipped download packs contains 90+ flash games (in .swf format) including their respective thumbnail (.gif) along with an instruction guide (in .pdf format) on how to configure them so your visitors can play the games right on your site just as in the Shooting Arcade example above.

The games can be loaded manually if you are using vBulletin. If you have access to a server simply upload the files and link to them in a post or anywhere else on your site just like an image .gif or .jpg file! Your server host doesn't allow uploading? Each game can still be played stand alone on your PC or laptop!! Check it out!

Tags: flash, flash-games, games, ZZ

Glossary of Bush Euphemisms

The King of Opposite Land

Mark Fiore has outdone himself with his latest sarcastic animated cartoon parody. Take a journey through "Opposite Land" a world as defined by the one and only Bushmeister! In Opposite Land you will encounter all forms of upside down logic in a brilliant parody that will help satisfy your need for understanding the complex inner workings of the mind of GWB.

Mark captures the essence of the "surge paradox" as political scholars have begin to refer to it. Let's give credit where credit is due. Mark, you are a psychic. To grasp the inner workings of this President's complex mind indeed requires an advanced degree in the paranormal...

Tags: bush, humor, political-cartoons, sarcasm, satire, zz

Bush Brain Missing Since 2002 Found Alive

ST. LOUIS, Missouri (UCS News) -- Two missing brains, one of them missing since 2002, were found alive in a Kirkwood, Missouri, apartment, and a suspect was arrested, Franklin County Sheriff Gary Toelke said Friday. The brains appear to be healthy but have not been united with their owners, Toelke said.

The brains have been identified as belonging to the President of the United States George W. Bush and the Vice President Dick Cheney. Toelke was surprised the brains had gone missing without anyone noticing. "Obviously there's some very happy people in Washington," he said.

Thursday night, two police officers in suburban Kirkwood went to a residence at the apartment complex to serve an unrelated warrant, Toelke told reporters. While there, they noticed a rusty white Nissan pickup truck that matched the description of that sought in an unrelated brain theft. "That resulted in the recovery," Toelke said.

Michael J. Devlin, 41, was arrested and has been charged with two counts of first-degree brain theft. said Franklin County Prosecutor Robert Parks. Devlin was being held on $1 million bail, he said, and more charges are likely. Parks has been questioning Devlin in hope of finding out he came into the possession of both George W. Bush's and Dick Cheney's brains.

According to Devlin he found the unused brains in a 4 drawer filing cabinet he purchased on Ebay in 2004. The brains were wrapped in newspaper and secured with packing tape. According to medical personal on the scene, the brains are unusually small but otherwise appear to be alive and well. The FBI and CIA are investigating the case and have taken the brains in to custody. -- by Walid / Unconfirmed Sources [Satire... for those of you that are too dense to figure that out. Would you believe we had a reader write in to say this was bogus!! -- ed. ]

Tags: parody, sarcasm, satire, zz

Sales Culture Lament

For all you hard working service techs and field engineers out there.... This one's for you !

Tags: humor, satire, zz

GOP To Hike Minimum Wage to $84.25

Priceless....

(2007-01-10) — Republicans in Congress, in a last ditch effort to provide economic justice to America’s working poor, today introduced a bill that would raise the national minimum hourly wage from $5.15 to $84.25.

The bill, offered just hours before the Democrat-led House attempted to raise the rate to $7.25, is roughly based on what Congressmen earn for working 40 hours per week for 50 weeks per year, although the actual working part is optional in Congress.

Under the terms of the GOP-sponsored measure, the minimum wage would also track Congressional pay, which typically includes an annual cost-of-living-it-up increase.

“Hiking it to $7.25 won’t make a dent,” said one unnamed Republican House member, “But at $84.25, we’ll eliminate poverty.”

Lawmakers believe the bill is a win-win, since every other working person in the country will now expect a pay raise to keep his wages an appropriate distance above minimum.

Republicans said the new minimum wage would also produce a windfall of tax revenue as millions of Americans move from paying no federal income tax, straight to the highest tax bracket.

The additional tax money would be earmarked for education, according to the text of the bill, “to teach America’s children the fundamentals of economics in a capitalist system.” -- as reported by Scott Ott / ScrappleFace

Tags: politics, sarcasm, satire, zz

NY Giants Shockey Parody

The New York Giants' Jeremy Shockey has combined his “stringy hair and stubble” look with a noticeable limp due to a high ankle sprain.Jeff Cez: Shockey looks like the scary guy at the truck stop who eyeballs your wife while squeezing the life out of a moon pie. And the way the Giants have been going, he might be that guy soon. --- Hat tip Satire Search

In Search of Authors and Editors!

Some of you have asked about cross posting your own satrical and sarcastic articles here on ZardozZ News & Satire. We have decided, at least for now, to instead set up an experimental sister site, The SpyGlass Chronicle, with an RSS feed on this site for that purpose. If you are interested, and would like to contribute articles, simply register at the Chronicle. Just leave a comment in a post expressing your interest and include your Blog/Site URL so we can review your writing. If accepted, you will be given access to a Wordpress panel to cross post your own blog snippets, posts, and commentary in all their sarcastic glory. To avoid spam we do ask you to register before providing us any information in the comment section!

The Spyglass Chronicle is an OpenWeb "community blog" which is RSS linked to this site, ZardozZ News and Satire. If you want to give your own blog more traffic and exposure you might consider becoming an author / editor and cross post your work! If you are interested, please leave a comment with a link to your current site on the SpyGlass Chronicle. We moderate all comments and we WILL get back to you either way. You can also simply leave us an eMail request at zardozz(at)gmail(dot)com.

U.S. Strikes Al Qaeda in Somalia

CBS: U.S. Strikes Al Qaeda In Somalia, CBS News Learns Strike Was Aimed At Alleged Al Qaeda Members Linked to 1998 Embassy Bombings - CBS News:

(CBS/AP) A U.S. Air Force gunship has conducted a strike against suspected members of al Qaeda in Somalia, CBS News national security correspondent David Martin reports exclusively.

The targets included the senior al Qaeda leader in East Africa and an al Qaeda operative wanted for his involvement in the 1998 bombings of two American embassies in Africa, Martin reports. Those terror attacks killed more than 200 people.

The AC-130 gunship is capable of firing thousands of rounds per second, and sources say a lot of bodies were seen on the ground after the strike, but there is as yet, no confirmation of the identities.

The gunship flew from its base in Dijibouti down to the southern tip of Somalia, Martin reports, where the al Qaeda operatives had fled after being chased out of the capital of Mogadishu by Ethiopian troops backed by the United States.

Once they started moving, the al Qaeda operatives became easier to track, and the U.S. military started preparing for an air strike, using unmanned aerial drones to keep them under surveillance and moving the aircraft carrier Eisenhower out of the Persian Gulf toward Somalia. But when the order was given, the mission was assigned to the AC-130 gunship operated by the U.S. Special Operations command.

If the attack got the operatives it was aimed at, reports Martin, it would deal a major blow to al Qaeda in East Africa.

Finally some U.S. air support to help to the Ethiopians that have been fighting terrorist Al Qaeda forces on behalf of the people of Somalia. It will be interesting to see how this story unfolds as Al Qaeda is dealt a blow in East Africa by Ethiopia. How will this play in Congress this week?

Tags: middle-east, world-news, zz

Mad Kane on Bush's Surge Speech

Mad Kane's limerick of the day worthy of sharing. So much summed up in so few words...

Another Bush war speech is on the horizon. Oh, goody! Actually, I’m not sure I’ll be able to force myself to watch next week’s speech, in which Bush is expected to announce a politically motivated “surge and accelerate plan.” But I’ve heard enough Bush speeches to sum this one up in a limerick, without even seeing it:

Bush’s Surge Speech: A Mad Preview
By Madeleine Begun Kane

It appears that we’re right on the verge
Of what Bush and McCain call a surge.
Once again, George the Madman
Behaves like an adman
Whose product leads only to dirge.

Thanks Mad Kane. This about sums it up!

Tags: parody, sarcasm, zz

The Saddam Tapes

BAGHDAD (Reuters) -
Saddam Hussein and his cousin "Chemical Ali" discussed killing thousands with chemical weapons before unleashing them on Kurds in 1988, according to tapes played on Monday in a trial of former Iraqi officials.

Nine days after Saddam's hanging, his front-row seat in the dock was conspicuously empty, but Ali Hassan al-Majeed and five other Baath party officials remain on trial for their roles in the 1988 Anfal, or Spoils of War, campaign in northern
Iraq.

"I will strike them with chemical weapons and kill them all," a voice identified by prosecutors as that of Majeed, Saddam's cousin and a senior aide, is heard saying.

"Who is going to say anything? The international community? A curse on the international community!" the voice continued.

"Yes, it's effective, especially on those who don't wear a mask immediately, as we understand," another voice, identified as that of Saddam, is heard saying on another tape.

"Sir, does it exterminate thousands?" a voice asks back.

"Yes, it exterminates thousands and forces them not to eat or drink and they will have to evacuate their homes without taking anything with them, until we can finally purge them," the voice identified as Saddam answers.

Prosecutors did not explain who ordered the recordings or when or why they were made and court officials could not elaborate. Audio tapes have been introduced in the court before and Saddam is believed to have recorded some of his meetings. More...

Tags: middle-east, world-news, iraq, zz

NYC Subway Bomb Plotter Sentenced to 30 Big Ones

Some good news on the Homeland Security front:

NOT SATIRE:

New York subway bomb plotter jailed for 30 years

A Pakistani immigrant to the United States was sentenced to 30 years in prison today for hatching an unsuccessful plot to blow up a busy Manhattan subway station as revenge for wartime abuses of Iraqis.

Shahawar Matin Siraj, 24, was arrested on August 27, 2004, on the eve of the Republican National Convention.

Although there was no proof he ever obtained explosives or was linked to any terror organisations, prosecutors in the New York court said his intentions were ominous: he wanted to blow up the Herald Square subway station, a bustling transport hub.... Read More

30 Years is about right....!!!

Tags: terrorism, zz

Troop Surge Strategy Change

Bush Prepares for Showdown with Democrats

30,000 more US troops for Iraq | World | The Observer:

Iraqi PM reveals US crackdown


President set for showdown with Democrats as he pours in more soldiers

Peter Beaumont and Paul Harris in New York
Sunday January 7, 2007
The Observer

President Bush is to announce this week that up to 30,000 extra troops will be thrown into the battle for Baghdad. They will be part of a crackdown against insurgents and the largely Shia death squads who have brought Iraq to the brink of civil war.

The final shape of Bush's new strategy began to emerge yesterday in a series of leaks and statements in Washington and Baghdad ahead of his announcement, expected on Tuesday.

Word is leaking out about what President Bush will have to say to the American people this coming Wednesday. 30,000 more troops! McCain has been screaming for this since the beginning but what will be the "sign" that we can draw down? The idea that U.S. forces will just abandon Iraq is absurd. The senior Democrats know it. We still have bases in Germany and Japan. Yes "friendly" bases. The Iraqi government will ask the U.S. to set up "friendly" bases there as well.

Tags: world-news, iraq, bush, zz

Performancing and Feedburner: A Marriage in the Making?

It appears the deal is off between Performancing and PayPerPost:

Submitted by Nick Wilson on January 5, 2007 - 12:03am in Performancing

After much discussion, we've decided that the deal proposed by PayPerPost just isnt right for us or our community. It's regrettable that we should part ways as I still feel that Dan and Ted are stand up guys breaking new ground, but in the end, the deal was just not right for them or us.

As a result Performancing has decided to drop support of their Metrics software that has been in use by a number of websites as they feel they do not have the bandwidth to support it any longer.

But here is the kicker! Performancing is encourging their users to migrate to Feedburner and use their Blog Stats package which has just gone live recently:

Feedburner as Alternative for Metrics

If you're a Metrics user and dont want to wait around till the OS version of Metrics is developed (and this could take some time...), I highly recommend Feedburners Blog Stats which has just gone live. Dick and the FB guys are good friends of Performancing and I can't think of a better place to send the Performancing Metrics users.

Is it possible that these two companies are talking to each other to work on a closer partnership? Feedburner has been a fantastic service for webmasters and bloggers alike. Combining the talents of these two companies to enhance tools for bloggers and webmasters could be a marriage made in heaven. [ Unconfirmed -- ZZN ]

Tags: media, software, zz

What Global Warming?

Controversial Saddam Martyrdom Animation

A controversial animation produced by Mark Fiore points out how the Iraqi government's unprofessional execution of Saddam plays into the hands of religious extremists. The U.S. cannot separate itself from the actions of the Iraqi government as the entire world sees that government as a puppet government of the U.S..

Should the U.S. have insisted on ensuring that the execution would be conducted with a bit more privacy and respect for the law and not create images that reek of a common lynching?

Regardless, Mark's animated cartoon is priceless if not a bit insensitive...

Tags: politics, sarcasm, satire, political-cartoons, parody, zz

In Search of a Legacy

(2007-01-06) — President George Bush, in a speech to the nation next week, will announce he’s sending up to 20,000 new U.S. combat troops into Iraq with orders to “go door to door, if necessary, to find a mission that everybody can agree on,” according to unnamed White House sources..

The troop surge would seem to place the president at odds with leaders of the new Democrat Congressional majority who yesterday called for an immediate and rapid withdrawal of U.S. forces from Iraq.

The president will reportedly tell the American people that “the U.S. military is the greatest fighting force the world has ever seen, and therefore I have confidence in their ability to discover a political solution.”

The anonymous White House source said the president is optimistic about uniting American behind a common vision, since the White House and Congressional leaders already share the belief, in principle, that troop movements are a good substitute for a victory strategy. -- as reported by satirist Scott Ott / ScrappleFace

The Pelosification of Congress

(2007-01-04) — Rep. Nancy Pelosi, D-CA, became the first female Speaker of the House today, and immediately called for a ban on abortion to promote social justice because almost 60 percent of aborted children are ethnic minorities.

“It took a long time to get a woman Speaker,” said Rep. Pelosi, “because we killed off 30-to-40 million potential Democrat voters in the last 35 years. Otherwise, by now we could have had a black lesbian Speaker, universal tax-funded healthcare, and a ban on ownership of guns, personal automobiles and private investment accounts.”

The Supreme Court’s Roe v. Wade ruling, she said, was “a Republican plot to wipe out non-white racial groups, especially the poor, and thus to slow the growth of the Democrat party.” -- As reported by satirist Scott Ott / ScrappleFace

Ok, so this may be satirical, but the "Pelosification" of Congress should provide all manner of writers and bloggers endless material right up to the 2008 election. It will be very interesting to see just how Nancy Pelosi manages to migrate her party to the center and keep the extremists well behaved for two years!

Tags: politics, sarcasm, satire, zz

Lame Duck

Hope he doesn't plan to go hunting with the Vice President... that might just put him out of his misery.

Saddam's Final Farewell

This appears to be how it ended for one of the most ruthless dictators in the Middle East. Pretty barbaric eh! [ Still -- a whole lot better than the VX Gas he used to kill the thousands of Kurds he massacred in the Northern Iraq for rebelling against him in Gulf War I ]
[Caution: Graphic Content]

Tags: world-news, iraq, zz

John Edwards, Paris Hilton: Politics of Economic Resentment

TKS on National Review Online:

01/03 09:26 AM
The New Orleans Times Picayune analyzes John Edwards' decision to announce his presidential candidacy in their city:

By announcing his presidential candidacy in New Orleans, John Edwards said he was trying to make two points: that the city's slow recovery highlights the "two Americas" of rich and poor that became the symbol of his first run for president in 2004, and that it is important for Americans not to just complain about problems but to "take action" as so many post-Katrina volunteers did.
How the setting for his presidential announcement will affect his candidacy and whether it will refocus national attention on the unfinished business of Katrina remains to be seen. But political pundits agree Katrina is a good issue for Edwards because it fits with one of his campaign's major themes: the need for the next president to address the growing divide between the haves and the have-nots.

I read this and was reminded of some poll results from Gallup from late November, looking at how Americans think about wealth and the wealthy:......

Simultaneously, Americans see certain folks not just thriving, but raking in more money than they could ever imagine. We’ve always had a certain amount of national gawking at the “lifestyles of the rich and famous,” but it seems like in the past few years, our popular culture has gone way past conspicuous consumption to a 24-7 rubbing our noses in the wealth of the super rich. I would cite just about everything to do with Paris Hilton (including “The Simple Life,” in which the point of the show is the girls’ ignorance anything outside the life of the super-rich), the ostentatious houses of “Cribs,” “The Fabulous Life of…” “Laguna Beach,” “I Want a Famous Face” etc. I watched two episodes of the MTV show “My Super Sweet 16” – celebrating the most obscenely lavish parties of the most venomous and dislikeable spoiled brats – and contemplated becoming a Communist revolutionary.

So maybe ears will perk up when Edwards says:

EDWARDS: Oh, I'm sorry. The answer to that question is, we do need, in my judgment, to get rid of some of the tax cuts that have been put in place, particularly for people at the top. I think that it may be necessary to put in place a tax on some of the windfall profits that oil companies are making in order to implement some of these changes that I've just talked about.

I think it's also really important that we be honest with people. We're in a — we've gotten in a deep hole, in terms of our deficit. We have investments that need to be made. I've talked about some of them: Investments to strengthen the middle class; investments to end poverty; universal health care, which I'm completely committed to; some of these energy proposals that I've talked about briefly here today.

Those things cost money. So we're going to have to invest if we're going to transform America the way it needs to be transformed to make us successful in the 21st century, which is going to require rolling back some of these tax cuts, in my judgment, that have been put into place.

If you think of "the rich" as Bill Gates, a guy who built a company from next to nothing to design software that millions of people use, then you probably think of "the rich" as smart innovators who deserve to enjoy the fruits of their labors. If you think of "the rich" as Paris Hilton, then you probably eagerly support inheritance taxes and higher taxes on the biggest earners.

Saddam Dishonored During Hanging

(2007-01-02) — President George Bush today weighed in on the controversy over the treatment of Saddam Hussein in the final moments before the former Iraqi president’s hanging last Saturday.

A cellphone video of the scene on YouTube.com, and elsewhere online, records several male voices in the death chamber shouting insults at the soon-to-be-late former dictator.

Mr. Bush, who has previously hailed the execution of the tyrant as another step in Iraq’s march toward freedom, said today that perhaps those who insulted Mr. Hussein should have been “penalized for taunting.”

“I think the ref should have thrown the flag,” said Mr. Bush. “There’s a certain professionalism and protocol you expect when a man who slaughtered your friends and relatives is about to die before your very eyes. I believe they probably hurt Saddam’s feelings and the ref should have given them 15 yards of rope, backed them up and made them take the down over.” -- Scott Ott / ScrappleFace

Happy New Year 2007