Cheney / Rice Apology to N. Korean Leader

Scott Ott makes it a point to emphasis our willingness to be congenial with the North Korean leader in the following column today...

Satire (2005-06-03) -- In an extraordinary joint news conference today, Vice President Dick Cheney, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Under Secretary of State John Bolton apologized to North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il and pleaded with him to restart negotiations over his nuclear weapons program.

Mr. Kim demanded the apology as a condition for resuming six-nation talks after Mr. Bolton called him a 'tyrannical dictator,' Mr. Cheney said he was 'one of the world's most irresponsible leaders' and Secretary Rice labeled him a 'dangerous person.'

Today, Mr. Cheney noted, 'Upon reflection, I'm sorry that I called Kim Jong-Il 'one of the world's most irresponsible leaders'. The fact is that he's really in a class by himself and I think he's totally responsible for making North Korea what it is today.'

Secretary Rice echoed the vice president's contrition and said, 'I regret referring to Mr. Kim as 'a dangerous person'. I should have gathered more evidence and documentation before casually using the word 'person'. I'm so sorry.'

Mr. Bolton, who awaits Senate confirmation of his appointment as U.N. Ambassador, fought back tears as he said, 'The first thing I'll do when I get to the U.N. is visit the ambassador from the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea, so I can tell him exactly how I feel about his Dear Leader. If I have to, I'll chase him down the hall and shout out my heartfelt grief.'

Meanwhile, Kim Jong-Il today announced plans to stem the starvation of his nation's 22 million citizens by feeding them byproducts of the nuclear weapons manufacturing process. North Korean stores immediately began selling the first such food item, a fun snack called 'Lil' Kim's Yellow Cake Zingers.' - Scott Ott / ScrappleFace More...