Kerry Threatens Republicans with Social Security Plan

(2005-04-30) -- While he was campaigning for president, Sen. John F. Kerry, D-MA, often noted that he had a plan to save Social Security.

Today, in his boldest move yet, he threatened to unveil his plan unless President Bush backs away from his proposal to reform the taxpayer-funded retirement system.

Mr. Kerry, during his 2004 White House bid, suggested he would not 'privatize' the money that Americans put into the government-run system, and he would not cut benefits.

However, America's failure to elect him to the White House seemed to ensure that his Social Security plan would remain cloaked in mystery, since as a mere Senator he can do little more than introduce bills and lead his colleagues to turn them into laws.

'As you'll recall, my plan is better than the president's,' said Mr. Kerry at today's news conference. 'It saves our beloved Social Security without any changes to benefits, taxes, or any other element of the system. If the president persists in attacking the co-dependent relationship between America's seniors and the Democrat party, I will unleash my plan in all its magnificent glory.'

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid, D-NV, wondered aloud if the Kerry plan might be the hoped for 'miracle' that would catapult the Democrat party back to majority status in the Senate in 2006.

Party insiders said that Mr. Kerry's revived suggestion of a plan also helped to cement his position as 'the visionary leader' among Democrats and the frontrunner for the party's 2008 presidential nomination." - Scott Ott [ Satire]