Bush to Negotiate with Zarqawi on Troop Pullout

Scott Ott publishes sarcastic piece pointing to the frustrations of fighting a war against a "hidden" underground enemy.

ScrappleFace: Bush to Negotiate with Zarqawi on Troop Pullout: "Bush to Negotiate with Zarqawi on Troop Pullout
by Scott Ott

(2005-06-25) -- In a surprising change of heart, President George Bush today called on al-Qaeda deputy Abu Musab al-Zarqawi to 'come to the table' to negotiate the withdrawal of U.S. forces from Iraq.

Although the president had been steadfast in asserting that he had no timetable for quitting Iraq and that freedom and democracy would prevail, today's statement was tantamount to an admission of defeat.

'We gave it the old college try,' said Mr. Bush, in a news conference with Iraqi Prime Minister Ibrahim al-Jafaari. 'But our opponents in the Democrat party were right. It's a quagmire. We can't beat the insurgents, and our shameless treatment of prisoners at Abu Ghraib and Gitmo have killed any chance we had at winning hearts and minds on the Arab street.'

Mr. Bush said he would dispatch a U.S. envoy to the al-Qaeda embassy in Baghdad with an invitation to Mr. Zarqawi to come to Camp David and work out terms of peace, and the withdrawal timetable.

'I kind of hoped that Iraq's 25 million people would experience the blessings of freedom,' Mr. Bush said, 'but with mid-term elections coming up here in the states, Republicans need to show the American people that we're as sensitive to media polling data as our Democrat opponents.'

Upon hearing the news of the Bush-Zarqawi peace talks, Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-NY, immediately filed papers forming a 2008 presidential exploratory committee." - Scott Ott / ScrappleFace (Satire)