Contract on America

(WASHINGTON SATIRE) — The Democrat party, which has come under fire from within and without recently for its lack of a cohesive message or platform just eight months out from a national election, will soon unveil a plan intended to emulate the success of the Republicans’ 1994 ‘Contract with America,’ according to House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi.

“We took a good concept that offered bad policies, and brought our progressive ideals to it,” said Rep. Pelosi. “We wanted a name that capitalized on the success of the previous plan, but made it clear that our goals are quite different.”

The Democrat ‘Contract on America’ will be launched within the next several weeks, she said, “and it’s destined to pull our party together, give us a sense of mission and meaning, and to inspire some really amazing bumper stickers and buttons.”

Mrs. Pelosi said the key difference between the old ‘Contract with America’, and the new ‘Contract on America’ is captured in the preposition.

The phrase was suggested by progressive linguist George Lakoff, the U.C. Berkeley professor who consults with Democrats on “how to say what they mean without using traditional, culture-bound words that people understand.”

“The word ‘on’ in the ‘Contract on America’ denotes something positive and active,” said Mr. Lakoff. “It indicates that Democrat ideas are not off, they’re right on. It’s much stronger than the word ‘with’, which always sounded passive. The ‘Contract on America’ says Democrats are progressively leading America onward in a single, inevitable direction.”

Rep. Pelosi said top Democrats “need just a few more weeks to finalize the ‘Contract on America’, now that we have agreed to this catchy title.”

“I’m sure the actual ideas and policies will start to flow from there,” she said. “Then you’ll see the American people rally to the Democrat cause in a way that hasn’t happened since we nominated Michael Dukakis for the presidency.”" -- Scott Ott / ScrappleFace