Rumsfeld Resigns - Iraq is Liberated
(2006-11-09 -- Satire) — As news of the resignation of U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld filtered out through hundreds of newspapers, radio and TV stations in Iraq this week, Sunni and Shiite militias laid down their weapons and poured into the streets to celebrate the “new direction” in U.S. military policy.
“The day of our liberation is at hand,” said one young Iraqi who noted he had just “strapped up” with a suicide bomb vest and was about to go to a local playground, when he saw Mr. Rumsfeld resigning on CNN. “I threw the vest away and I’m going to the playground now to hand out candy to the children instead. I’m so excited about this new direction. What a relief!”
Shiite Muslim cleric Moktada al-Sadr immediately issued orders for his Mahdi army to surrender their guns and bomb-making supplies to the local Iraqi police station, or to “beat your swords into plowshares and other tools to rebuild our infrastructure and make Iraq a shining beacon of Islamic freedom.”
Elsewhere around Baghdad insurgents placed orange safety cones around hidden roadside bomb locations to prevent their accidental detonation until they could be defused. A spokesman for Al Qaeda in Iraq said its foreign staff would cease terror operations, but stay on as a kind of Peace Corps to help provide medical care, clean water and nutritious food to Iraq’s most needy.
Leading Sunni and Shiite clerics announced they would assemble at a trans-sectarian Friday prayer service in Sadr City’s al-Kumbaya Mosque to jointly call on the Iraqi faithful to set aside differences and “rise up and live out the true meaning of our peaceful Islamic creed.”
At the service a fatwa, or legal interpretation, will be issued declaring that those who perform acts of charity, rather than human carnage, will qualify for the fabled 72-virgin package in the afterlife.
“We have learned from President Bush and Speaker-elect Pelosi to seek common ground,” said one unnamed cleric. “With Rumsfeld gone, and the troops packing their bags, our nation can return to its natural stability, tranquility and harmony.” -- by satirist -- Scott Ott
“The day of our liberation is at hand,” said one young Iraqi who noted he had just “strapped up” with a suicide bomb vest and was about to go to a local playground, when he saw Mr. Rumsfeld resigning on CNN. “I threw the vest away and I’m going to the playground now to hand out candy to the children instead. I’m so excited about this new direction. What a relief!”
Shiite Muslim cleric Moktada al-Sadr immediately issued orders for his Mahdi army to surrender their guns and bomb-making supplies to the local Iraqi police station, or to “beat your swords into plowshares and other tools to rebuild our infrastructure and make Iraq a shining beacon of Islamic freedom.”
Elsewhere around Baghdad insurgents placed orange safety cones around hidden roadside bomb locations to prevent their accidental detonation until they could be defused. A spokesman for Al Qaeda in Iraq said its foreign staff would cease terror operations, but stay on as a kind of Peace Corps to help provide medical care, clean water and nutritious food to Iraq’s most needy.
Leading Sunni and Shiite clerics announced they would assemble at a trans-sectarian Friday prayer service in Sadr City’s al-Kumbaya Mosque to jointly call on the Iraqi faithful to set aside differences and “rise up and live out the true meaning of our peaceful Islamic creed.”
At the service a fatwa, or legal interpretation, will be issued declaring that those who perform acts of charity, rather than human carnage, will qualify for the fabled 72-virgin package in the afterlife.
“We have learned from President Bush and Speaker-elect Pelosi to seek common ground,” said one unnamed cleric. “With Rumsfeld gone, and the troops packing their bags, our nation can return to its natural stability, tranquility and harmony.” -- by satirist -- Scott Ott
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