New Poll Shows Paris Hilton Jailing Good for America

(Los Angeles) — An overwhelming majority of Americans say they’ve never felt better about themselves than during the past several weeks as they follow the story of Paris’ Hilton’s conviction and incarceration.

“It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” said one poll respondent, a resident of suburban Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. “Just knowing that rich, famous, beautiful people can be miserable, pathetic losers gives me hope that my own troubled existence may have meaning. I can’t get enough of this story on TV. Every moment is like a multivitamin for my ego.”

Indeed, some 87 percent of those polled said they relished feeling superior to someone who, according to cultural norms, should be considered superior to them. In brief, researchers say their findings show: “What’s bad for Paris Hilton is good for America.”

“The lower she sinks, the higher I soar,” said a unnamed dental hygienist from Eugene, Oregon. “You know, I just don’t feel so bad anymore about the stupid things I’ve done, or about my failure to achieve my dreams. It’s a comfort just knowing that despite all of her money, I’m a better person than Paris Hilton.”

The CBS News/New York Times survey also showed that, 58 percent of Americans were willing to see Ms. Hilton suffer further disgrace, prolonged imprisonment or even death for the good of the nation. --- as reported by satirist Scott Ott / ScrappleFace

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