Gonzales: I Should Have Fired Them All

(2007-03-18) — Embattled U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales made a conference call Friday to the nation’s 93 U.S. attorneys to express his “profound regret” that he didn’t “fire every last one of you when I had the chance,” according to an unnamed source who was in on the call.

The contrite Mr. Gonzales said he was sorry that only eight U.S. attorneys had lost their jobs, thus sparking a Congressional probe into accusations that the Bush administration “played politics” with political appointees.

“If we had canned the lot of you, like President Clinton did when he took office, no one could accuse President Bush of favoritism,” said Mr. Gonzales. “But we failed to disrupt every federal case in the country at once, and so I apologize that you folks have to deal with the fallout of this situation when you could have been back in private practice, making big bucks, instead of stuck in your dead-end government jobs.”

White House spokesman Tony Snow said the Attorney General’s remarks were part of the ongoing Bush administration effort “to set a new tone in Washington.”

“The president continues to believe that his administration should strive to do the right thing now and apologize for it later,” said Mr. Snow. -- as reported by satirical reporter Scott Ott

Tags: politics, sarcasm, satire, zz