Alternatives to Funding Cuts for Troops

(2007-02-19) After failing to pass a non-binding resolution condemning a U.S.
troop surge in Iraq, Democrats, reluctant to cut funding for the war,
are reportedly studying a host of alternatives designed to show that they support the troops yet oppose the commander-in-chief, President George Bush.

“Cutting funding for troops in the field is political suicide,” said
one unnamed Democrat senator, “but we think we have some creative ways
to accomplish our goal of ending the war, without the perception that
we’re anti-troop.”

The following is a partial list of the top options now under
consideration by Democrat leaders in the House and Senate, each of
which demonstrates support for the troops, but accelerates the pace of
withdrawal:

– Increase funding for body armor. Require ground troops to wear two
KEVLAR® suits each, and to carry a large bronze shield on street patrol.

– Supply infantry with “tricked out” HumVees, complete with
undercarriage neon lighting, glow-in-the-dark paint job, “always on”
thundering-bass sound system and a bumper sticker that reads “Jesus is
My Co-Pilot.”

– Send every member of the fighting force a personal “Thank You,”
letting them know that they’re giving their lives in order to protect a
land where the top news story all week has been about Britney Spears
shaving her head.

– Pass non-binding resolution condemning overcrowding at U.S. bases in Iraq.

– Sponsor USO Tour featuring Barbra Streisand, Rosie O’Donnell and Michael Moore.

– Release scientific report proving that muzzle flash causes global warming.
-- as reported by satirist Scott Ott / ScrappleFace

Tags: politics, sarcasm, satire, zz