Bush Contracts CNN Reporters to write War Report

CNN has wasted no time preempting the report by General Petraeus next month by conducting a poll in advance asking viewers if they would reject the report even if the General claims the U.S. is making progress. Nothing like unbiased journalism and loaded polling.

(ATLANTA) — With a new CNN poll showing that 53 percent of Americans plan to reject the upcoming Iraq progress report by the top U.S. military commander and the U.S. ambassador there, President George Bush today announced he had contracted with several CNN reporters and anchors to write the final version of the report “in order to salvage a shred of credibility.”

FROM CNN NEWS: "President Bush frequently has asked Congress -- and the American people -- to withhold judgment on his so-called troop surge in Iraq until Gen. David Petraeus, the commander in Iraq, and Ryan Crocker, U.S. ambassador to Iraq, issue their progress report in September.

But according to a CNN/Opinion Research Corp. poll released Thursday, 53 percent of people polled said they suspect that the military assessment of the situation will try to make it sound better than it actually is. Forty-three percent said they do trust the report."

“I can understand why the American people don’t believe Gen. David Petraeus and Ambassador Ryan Crocker — men who lay their lives on the line daily to bring peace and justice to Iraq,” said President Bush. “That’s why I’m hiring these journalism boys from Atlanta to write this report.”

The president, explaining the 11th-hour decision, said, “Americans trust the kind of men whose faces wear the stain of heavy cosmetic makeup, whose heads have born the burden of daily conditioning rinses and relentless doses of hairspray. But guys like Petraeus and Crocker — who live in Kevlar vests, floss the sand out of their teeth at night and make daily life-and-death choices — may be prone to stretch the truth. That’s why my fellow Americans put their faith in the men of CNN; men who employ people to choose their neckties, who wear earphones so others can tell them what to say and which way to turn. These are the kind of men who pour their blood, sweat and tears into devising a clever way to transition from a car-bombing story to the latest compelling video of Elvis impersonators. These are men of integrity, men who talk-the-walk and, therefore, men who have earned our trust.”

Meanwhile, the latest CNN poll shows that 92 percent of the people who get their news from CNN believe the results of the latest CNN poll. --- [Hat Tip: Scott Ott / ScrappleFace]