Putin Denies Stalking Taco Bell

Does anyone have any idea how bad sales are at Taco Bell lately? We would love to know some facts... By the way, Vladimir Putin vehemently denies being anywhere around a Taco Bell in New Jersey this past week. Disturbing reports however continue to come in from the fast food chain. Workers claim to have observed an elfish like individual sneaking around the salad bar of late wearing a long black coat. We doubt it was one of Santa's helpers.

Russian President Vladimir Putin lashed out today at accusers who have pointed the finger at him in recent days for the outbreak of e-coli infections at several Taco Bell restaurants in New Jersey, New York and Pennsylvania.

President Putin, already on the defensive over accusations that he poisoned former Russian spy Alexander Litvinenko with radioactive sushi, held a press conference at the Kremlin today to offer his categorical denial of any involvement in the Taco Bell poisonings.

“I have not been anywhere near Taco Bell,” a visibly angry Mr. Putin told reporters. “Anyone who says I have done so is trading in pure fantasy.”

But despite Mr. Putin’s vehement statements to the contrary, several restaurant managers of the Taco Bell chain said that they saw a balding man resembling the Russian President skulking around their restaurants in recent days.

“I saw this sneaky-looking guy in a trench coat carrying a test tube of something funky and I was like, that is totally that evil Russian dude,” said Tracy Lamant, a manager of one of the New Jersey Taco Bells that was hit by the e-coli outbreak. [Hat tip: Borowitz Report] More...

Tags: satire, sarcasm, politics, zz