Greenpeace: Stupid Whales Source of Cheap Fuel

(Sacramento - Satire) — After three weeks of efforts by scientists to herd two wayward humpback whales out of the Sacramento River, a leading environmental group today announced that “whales are stupid beasts, but an excellent source of cheap, renewable fuel.”

“Most people marvel at the intelligence of these creatures,” said an unnamed spokesman for Greenpeace, “but frankly these morons strayed from the Pacific Ocean — a body of water that’s larger than all of the earth’s land masses combined. Even without the benefit of MapQuest, how do you miss the [expletive deleted] Pacific Ocean?”

The Greenpeace operation officially moved today from “rescue phase” to “harvest phase,” the source said, noting that whales are a “terrific source of oil that is cheap, renewable and can help wean us from dependence on unreliable Middle Eastern petroleum producers.”

Although whales are also renowned for their acute hearing, the Greenpeace spokesman scoffed: “One of these cetacean idiots got injured by a boat propeller. We’re supposed to believe they can hear a mate whispering sweet nothings from off the coast of Australia, but they don’t notice the roar of a diesel engine that’s about to hit them. I’d say their hearing is a bit overrated.”" --- as reported by political satirist Scott Ott/ScrappleFace