Clinton Obama: 10 Ways to Fight and Un Funded War

With the votes in, Senators are now scrambling to justify their voting decisions to their constituents. Of course, for many, just who their real constituents are still remains a mystery. Scott Ott gives us an example of some of the "tips" that are now flowing out of Washington to help guide our troops should there actually have been a NO vote yesterday to funding their needed supplies. The ten recommendations from Senators Clinton and Obama are among the most creative...

(SATIRE) — Following their votes yesterday against funding U.S. troops fighting terrorists in Afghanistan and Iraq, Senators Hillary Clinton, D-NY, and Barack Obama, D-IL, today sought to demonstrate that they truly support the troops by releasing a list of “tips for fighting unfunded wars.”

The senate passed the measure, with the two leading Democrat presidential candidates in the 80-14 minority. However, according to their joint statement, if the vote had gone the other way the troops would have been “just fine and able to make do with what they have.”

“Our votes against funding the troops should never be construed as a lack of support for these brave Americans,” said the two senators. “In fact, with a little scrimping and improvisation, our troops could still have fought on until withdrawal even without the $100 billion.”

Mr. Obama and Mrs. Clinton said if their view had prevailed, they would have asked the Pentagon to distribute to the troops the following ten “helpful hints” for fighting an unfunded war.

1. Conserve bullets by aiming more, shooting less. The enemy is often so intimidated by being “in the crosshairs” that you don’t need to waste ammo. A lot of times, he’ll just run away, and you’ll have a full magazine, ready for future aiming.

2. When traveling on business, instead of gas-guzzling HumVees and other inefficient troop transports, try the economical Toyota Prius, public transit, an inexpensive used bicycle, or simply walking. Improved cardio health could accompany tremendous savings on fuel.

3. Donate every third paycheck to the U.S. government to help fund the war effort. After administrative costs are deducted here in Washington, a portion of that money will come right back to your unit in the field. Don’t worry about the family back home, the government safety net will protect them.

4. Incarcerating war prisoners is expensive, so practice “catch and release” with terror suspects. A stern warning from an authority figure can go a long way toward setting a young man on the right path.

5. To save water, shower less often. Our sources tell us a brisk “dry cleaning” can keep you fresh as a cactus flower. A handful of sand makes a great “scrubby” to remove the grime of battle.

6. Reduce wear and tear on weapons through the buddy system. On patrol, take turns being “the guy with the gun.” You’ll keep the enemy guessing, and extend the life of the weapons you leave back at the base.

7. Aerial support can be pricey, and it risks civilian casualties. So resist the urge to call in the jets when you come under withering enemy fire. Wait until you see “the whites of their eyes.” Our sources tell us that when U.S. troops do this, support calls drop by 50 percent.

8. American troops are a generous people, but every penny you spend handing out candy or toys to the local kids, is a penny you won’t have to buy your own bullets or body armor.

9. Put your spare change in a jar each day and at the end of the month, send that money to Washington to help fund the war.

10. Plant a “victory garden” near the base. The extra vegetables you donate to the mess hall might sustain you and your buddies until we can get you out of that quagmire.
--- as reported by satirist Scott Ott/ScrappleFace

Tags: politics, satire, sarcasm, zz