Rehab For Britney

Terrorists Undecided On Presidential Endorsement

(Al Fatwa Training Camp, Southern Afghanistan

It is a frigid night in this mountainous region. In the training camp, men with ski masks and Kalashnikov rifles smoke cigarettes, take turns stoking the inadequate fire, or log in to Jihadi.com to see if their newest photos have been chosen for the homepage photo contest. Although the night sky is cloudless, nobody here can see clearly into what kind of President they'd like to see take over from George W. Bush in 2008.

For some here, it's just too early to tell. The primary season has just begun, but none of the candidates have distinguished themselves as the type to ignite worldwide jihad. The group hopes for a strong leader, one against whom the entire Islamic world can rally. At least one terrorist complains that 2008 is hopeless. "Unless somebody comes out from nowhere, I might have to stop blowing things up for a while."

"Obviously we'd like to see George W. Bush stay on for another four years," says Shaka Khan. "But there is some kind of term limit that prevents this," he explains to the others. "Curse American democracy! I hate freedom," he spits into the flame.

"John McCain was my early favorite. He's bat-shit crazy, and might invade three or four other countries. But I don't like where he is on universal health care," argues Abdul Ghafoor. "Plus he might use nukes," says another.

They discuss Mitt Romney, but cannot decide whether Mormonism would be more of an apostate affront to Islam than an Evangelical. "Does anyone know the difference?" asks one. The group cannot answer.

The terrorists are disappointed that the primary season has come so early. "This time last election, I was still harvesting opium," says Akbar. "Now I'm stuck here watching CNN. It leaves me very little time for actual terrorism."

"How do you feel about Barack Hussein Obama?" asks Ali.

"Don't let the name fool you. He's as Christian as the rest of them."

"They said on Fox News he was educated in a madrasah."

"Really? That would be terrible for us."

"Democrats and Republicans are the same," laments Mullah Khalid. The comment causes a flurry of discussion about the limits of the two-party system. The terrorists would like to see an Independent candidate, preferably one who would set out to create an American Wahhabist theocracy.

"But the first lady couldn't wear a burqa," argues another. "It wouldn't look right."

The arguments go on through the night. The cadre of seasoned killers agrees to wait for the Iowa caucuses before an endorsement. --- Hat tip: All Day Coffee

Russia to Sell Chernobyl Reactors to Iran

(2007-02-23) — In a breakthrough that could end the nuclear standoff between Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and the so-called “rational world”, U.S. President George Bush said today that his country is willing to let Russia build 37 Chernobyl-style nuclear reactors throughout Iran.

Mr. Bush also offered to allow open sharing of Chernobyl-class technology between Russia and Iran.

An unnamed White House spokesman said Mr. Bush believes the new proposal could break deadlocked negotiations by giving Iran “the world’s best-known reactor technology, while allowing Russia to continue to profit from Mr. Ahmadinejad’s thirst for power.”

“These Chernobyl-style reactors can bring the transforming power of nuclear fission within reach of the average Iranian,” said Mr. Bush. -- as reported by Scott Ott / ScrappleFace

North Korea Nuke Agreement

Alternatives to Funding Cuts for Troops

(2007-02-19) After failing to pass a non-binding resolution condemning a U.S.
troop surge in Iraq, Democrats, reluctant to cut funding for the war,
are reportedly studying a host of alternatives designed to show that they support the troops yet oppose the commander-in-chief, President George Bush.

“Cutting funding for troops in the field is political suicide,” said
one unnamed Democrat senator, “but we think we have some creative ways
to accomplish our goal of ending the war, without the perception that
we’re anti-troop.”

The following is a partial list of the top options now under
consideration by Democrat leaders in the House and Senate, each of
which demonstrates support for the troops, but accelerates the pace of
withdrawal:

– Increase funding for body armor. Require ground troops to wear two
KEVLAR® suits each, and to carry a large bronze shield on street patrol.

– Supply infantry with “tricked out” HumVees, complete with
undercarriage neon lighting, glow-in-the-dark paint job, “always on”
thundering-bass sound system and a bumper sticker that reads “Jesus is
My Co-Pilot.”

– Send every member of the fighting force a personal “Thank You,”
letting them know that they’re giving their lives in order to protect a
land where the top news story all week has been about Britney Spears
shaving her head.

– Pass non-binding resolution condemning overcrowding at U.S. bases in Iraq.

– Sponsor USO Tour featuring Barbra Streisand, Rosie O’Donnell and Michael Moore.

– Release scientific report proving that muzzle flash causes global warming.
-- as reported by satirist Scott Ott / ScrappleFace

Tags: politics, sarcasm, satire, zz

Democrats Produce Non-Binding Non-Vote

ScrappleFace »

by Scott Ott

(2007-02-18) — Moments after Republicans in the senate blocked a Democrat attempt to vote on a non-binding resolution expressing disapproval of a U.S. troop surge in Iraq, Majority Leader Harry Reid hailed the non-vote as “perhaps the greatest Democrat military accomplishment of the past 40 years.”

“History will celebrate the moment that our brave new Democrat majority forced an unsuccessful cloture vote on the filibuster of a measure that would have symbolically ended the troop surge,” said Sen. Reid. “And in November 2008, when Americans go to the polls, they’ll ask themselves ‘Who stood up for our freedom to express displeasure and very nearly secured it?’.”

Sen. Reid devoted 20 or 30 seconds to recounting in detail the great moments in Democrat military policy during the past four decades, then said, “I predict that years from now, a history book or pamphlet will be written about this act of heroism on a Saturday afternoon, when a few bold individuals sacrificed their golf games to answer the call of duty and very nearly voted on a measure that would have virtually turned the tide in this war.”

The Nevada senator added that the lack of a vote on the non-binding resolution would “serve as a great encouragement to U.S. troops overseas.”

“By almost showing the Senate’s disapproval of Bush’s plan to send 21,500 more troops,” he said, “we demonstrated our desire to protect our men and women in Iraq from the overcrowding on their bases and in their barracks that the president’s plan will surely cause.” -- as reported by satirist Scott Ott / ScrappleFace

Tags: politics, sarcasm, satire, zz

Terror Groups Offer Non Binding Ceasfire Resolution

ScrappleFace »

by Scott Ott

(2007-02-17) — A coalition of major terror groups operating in Iraq today announced a symbolic, non-binding ceasefire in response to House Democrats’ passage of a non-binding resolution rejecting President George Bush’s troop surge plan.

Al Qaeda in Iraq, the Shiite Mahdi army and representatives of a Sunni car-bomb cartel said they would continue to fully fund martyrdom operations, with help from their friends in Iran, Syria and elsewhere.

An unnamed spokesman for the terror coalition said, “The non-binding ceasefire serves as a kind of imaginary turning point in the mythical pursuit of peace among those who have pledged their lives to the destruction of the U.S., Christianity, Judaism and Western civilization in general.”

U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-CA, said the terrorists’ symbolic initiative “confirms that Democrats are on the right track with their strategy to end the war in Iraq through non-binding means.”

Meanwhile, the White House released a conciliatory statement from President George Bush in the wake of the Democrat-sponsored anti-surge resolution.

“Our friends in Congress continue to display the rich diversity of patriotism,” the president said. “Their actions demonstrate to all Americans that you, in fact, can support the troops while opposing the war, as long as you’re not too specific about whose troops you support.”

Mr. Bush also said the House vote “shows that it’s possible to pass a resolution without being overly resolute.”

Tags: terrorism, politics, sarcasm, satire, zz

Anna Nicole Overload

Add V3 Arcade Games To Your Website or Blog

If you want to add arcade style flash games to your website you can now download a collection of fully tested arcade flash games which have been sorted, categorized, packaged and made available for immediate digital download over at OpenWeb Downloads and also at PayLoadZ. Over 290+ games are available in three convenient low priced downloads. Here is a typical example -> Shooting Arcade . You can also play them in advance of download in the V3 Arcade, simply register over at the Arcade.

Each of the zipped download packs contains 90+ flash games (in .swf format) including its respective thumbnail (.gif) along with an instruction guide (in .pdf format) on how to configure them so your visitors can play these games right on your site just as in the Shooting Arcade example above. [Game Inventory Listing]

If you have access to a server simply upload all the files and link to them in a post, a special area, or anywhere else on your site! You say your server host doesn't allow uploading? No problem, each game pack can still be downloaded and enjoyed on your own PC or laptop - the guide explains how. Check it out and have some fun!

Tags: flash, flash-games, games, ZZ

Al Franken U.S. Senator Comedy Act

Saturday Night Live never had it this good...

(2007-02-15) — Former liberal radio host Al Franken, in announcing his candidacy for the U.S. Senate in Minnesota, yesterday shocked his potential constituents by revealing that he was once a comedian.

“I realize that most people may be skeptical about my credentials,” said the recently-resigned Air America talkhost in a web video, “But seriously, I was a comedian. I did Saturday Night Live. I played comedy clubs. It’s a matter of public record and I invite journalists to do the research to verify my claim.”

Mr. Franken did not provide any evidence to buttress his allegation about this little-known chapter in his career, but instead devoted the bulk of his announcement video to claims that he has ancestors who worked for a living.

“My wife, Franny, and I come from working class backgrounds,” said Mr. Franken, “Of course, I got away from that miserable, pathetic lifestyle as fast as I could. -- as reported by Scott Ott over at ScrappleFace”

Tags: politics, sarcasm, satire, zz

A Bush Cheney Valentine by Mark Fiore

<-- Mark sends his Valentine Greetings to the White House Administration... [click on image]

Tags: political cartoons, politics, sarcasm, satire, zz

Blogcritics Comment Priceless

You have to give credit where credit is due. While reviewing an article by Diana Hartman over at Blogcritics Satire: Bush to Invade Iran we came across one of the best comments we have seen yet in 2007. The following was written in response to a satirical piece about Bush's incessant war ambitions by article author Ms. Hartman... Priceless comment!!

There was a boy president who wanted to be known as someone who won great military victories. He believed that only war presidents would be known as great. So he sent his troops halfway around the world to attack a foreign country that he knew nothing about except that its leader also attacked other countries to be remembered as great. To do this, the boy president cried out, "WMD, WMD" and most listened. This pleased the boy president so much that later he tried the same trick and threatened to attack another foreign county (Iran), and the boy president again cried out, "WMD, WMD." But this time, having been fooled before, most of the country thought the boy president was lying and only his fellow-travelers believed him. The result was the country made a good meal of the boy president's congressional majority, and the boy president had to be satisfied with not being called great, and possibly being called the worst. --- Hat Tip: MBD Comment on Blogcritics [photo added by ZZN&S]

Do you have anything more you can add to this? We suspect that in "the end" (a scary thought) history will be the final judge of this President's legacy. The victor in the end always gets to write the history books...

Tags: politics, sarcasm, humor, satire, zz

Valentine's Day Thought

Iran, Israel and China: Weapons for Peaceful Purposes Only

World News::

Iran Sends IEDs to Iraq for Peaceful Purposes

Israel Deploys Space Umbrella while China Begins Space Sanitation Cleanup

It's clear that the world misunderstands the intentions of the Iranian government just as much as the world misunderstands President Bush. Scott Ott provides a deeper insight into the true motives of the peace loving Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, in cited the article below.

Also... In a related announcement, Israel has explained that it's recent launching of an anti-ballistic missle test system over the weekend was purely for "experimental" purposes to deploy a "Space Umbrella" that will protect it's citizens from any stray debris re-entering the earth's atmosphere from the recent Chinese test of their SSD, "Space Sanitation Device". It's heartwarming to learn that the Chinese government has felt compelled to do it's part to promote world peace by eliminating a defunct weather satellite in the interest of "space sanitation".

A high ranking Chinese official when asked about the launch said, "It's time we did our share and pitched in to help clean up the environment." (Al Gore move over!)


ScrappleFace »:

(2007-02-12) — Mahmoud Ahmadinejad today confirmed U.S. allegations that high-ranking Iranian officials provide Shiite militias in Iraq with armor-piercing explosives, however, Iran’s president said the devices are for peaceful purposes only.

“No one can deny the right of the Iranian people to develop technology that improves our lives,” said Mr. Ahmadinejad. “Although we cannot control how our Iraqi customers use our products, we make these armor-piercing devices to generate energy.”

The Iranian leader noted that the devices are “especially useful for bringing light to confined dark places, like the inside of an Abrams tank or Humvee, as well as for providing a plentiful source of instant heat.”

Tags: politics, sarcasm, satire, world news, zz

Global Warming Shovel Hot Item in New York Stores

ScrappleFace:

(2007-02-11) — Wal-Mart and Home Depot stores in upstate New York report brisk sales of the new Global Warming Shovel which hit store shelves just in time for this week’s 9.5-foot snowfall.

The shovels, made of a rigid form of lightweight GORE-TEX®, are specifically designed to remove the kind of snow spawned by greenhouse gases in the atmosphere, “no matter how deep it gets,” according to the manufacturer.

Later this week, the company will also roll out its new Kyoto Mittens, “guaranteed to protect the wearer from the inconvenient truth of global warming-induced frostbite.”

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Obama Declares Without Homer

ScrappleFace » Obama Declares in Springfield, But Simpsons Not Invited:

(2007-02-10) — In what many consider a backhanded slap at the conservative Fox News Channel, Democrat Sen. Barack Obama plans to officially declare his presidential candidacy today in Springfield, but his campaign has not invited the town’s most famous residents — Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie Simpson — to the speech.

The controversy over the Simpson snubbing threatens to overshadow what should have been the high-point of Mr. Obama’s career, and his greatest accomplishment to date.

The Simpsons, whose fame grew from simple comedy sketches and led to a popular Fox TV show and a feature-length Hollywood movie, have almost single-handedly put Springfield on the map and made it virtually the best-loved town in America.

“Obama is using Springfield to ride Homer’s coattails,” said Mr. Simpson’s agent, “He says he’s running a new kind of political campaign, but by ignoring the Simpsons right in Homer’s backyard, he sends a clear message that it’s politics as usual.” -- Scott Ott / ScrappleFace

Tags: politics, sarcasm, satire, political cartoons, zz

Pelosi: High Troop Morale Logical Cause of Failure

Scott Ott takes his latest shot at Nancy Pelosi conclusions as to why the Iraqi War is going badly for the Administration. Given this logic, it's clear that something must be done to reduce the morale of the troops further thus ensuring victory. Congress is busy working on such a victory plan.

(2007-02-07) — House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-CA, said today that the war in Iraq has become an unwinnable quagmire largely due to high U.S. troop morale in the theater of operations, which is why, she said, that the House should approve a non-binding resolution opposing the president’s troop surge plan.

“When I was in Iraq recently, I met the brave men and women of our fighting force,” said Rep. Pelosi. “Their spirits were high, their resolve was firm. They believe in the righteousness of their cause and know that Americans back home love and support them. Their high morale was so consistent across the board that it’s the only logical explanation for our poor performance in Iraq.”

That’s why, said the Speaker, that the best way to “turn things around and getting them heading in the other direction is to deal with the unreasonably elevated esprit de corps of our troops.”

Today’s remarks were Rep. Pelosi’s first full explanation of her party’s push to approve an anti-surge resolution.

“It’s the confidence and commitment of our military that’s getting us in deeper trouble,” she said. “The non-binding resolution addresses that, without forcing any lawmaker to do something rash, like vote his conscience.” -- as reported by satirist Scott Ott / ScrappleFace

Tags: politics, sarcasm, satire, zz

Death of a Gold Digger

The Bullshit Series: The Letter "G"

Catagory this Month: Corporate America
Some additional excerpts from the Dictionary of Bullshit...

going forward (catchphrase) Business language is gung-ho. Anybody not sharing the vision would soon feel icy winds blowing up their pants. "Going forward" as in "we're looking at this investment going forward" does not describe an investment that is improving. No, it just means "in the future". But time does not merely pass at the usual rate in corporate circles. Oh no, that would be too passive. Everything makes progress "going forward".

good at admin (adj. phrase) Forutunately there are tidy-minded people around who just get on with the work at hand. But there is also this strange notion that being good at "admin" is such a virtue that it does not matter if you have any knowledge of the formal content of the organization itself. For instance... Let's appoint this person to run our nuclear power plant because he was so good at the details (admin) in running his doughnut business.... Hence, "good at admin" managers — even at the CEO level — can parachute into companies about whose business they have almost immaculate ignorance. It may take a year or two before they leave with a large payoff (coined "golden parachute" in business circles - ed.) and a dying company in their wake. (Every senior executive secretly seeks their "golden parachute" - .ed)

granularity (n.) This technical word has acquired a genuinely mystifying dimension of bullshit. "Granularity" in reports seems to be about detail. Perhaps it is an antidote to generalization. Maybe the lack of it is techie code for "lazy".

We'll pull a few definitions every now and then based on a random letter of the alphabet... you can suggest others if you like...

Tags: humor, sarcasm, satire, bullshit, culture, zz

San Francisco Mayor Seeks Presidency

(2007-02-06) — San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom, who yesterday told staff he’s seeking treatment for alcoholism, deflected reporters’ questions about a potential presidential run in 2008.

“Just because I had an affair with a top aide’s wife, and I happen to be an alcoholic, doesn’t mean I aspire to higher office,” the mayor said in a written statement. “Drinking and adultery are just part of who I am, not some carefully-crafted image makeover designed to prepare me for a national campaign.”

Despite his denials, talk of a Newsom-Clinton ticket crackled along the Blackberry network and in the halls of the Democrat National Committee (DNC) yesterday.

“He’s playing coy right now,” said one unnamed DNC staffer. “But insiders know that his announcements in the past two weeks are tantamount to forming an exploratory committee.”

Mayor Newsom, who built his credibility in the local Democrat party as the owner of several wine and nightclub businesses, established himself as a national party icon by presiding over 3,955 homosexual “marriages” that were later struck down by the California Supreme Court which ruled that Mr. Newsom had violated state law.

“Clearly, Gavin Newsom’s star continues to rise,” the DNC source said. “He’s walking in the footsteps of the great ones, and making zero mistakes.” -- as reported by satirist Scott Ott / ScrappleFace

Tags: sarcasm, satire, politics, zz

Grenada's Sour Note: Punked Chinese Delegation

ST. GEORGE'S, Grenada - A diplomatic gaffe marred Saturday's inauguration of a China-financed stadium on this Caribbean island when a band performed the national anthem of Chinese rival Taiwan !! [Fools!!.... -ed]

Chinese Ambassador Qian Hongshan and scores of blue-uniformed Chinese laborers who built the $40 million Queen's Park stadium as a gift were visibly uncomfortable as Taiwan's anthem echoed inside the 20,000-seat venue.

Describing it as a blunder, Grenada Prime Minister Keith Mitchell pledged an investigation into how the Royal Grenada Police Band could have prepared the anthem of Taiwan instead of China.

China and Taiwan split in 1949 amid a civil war, and Beijing claims the democratically run island is a renegade province that should not have diplomatic ties with other countries.

The Asian rivals have both campaigned aggressively to win the allegiance of Caribbean nations. Grenada switched diplomatic allegiance from Taiwan to China in 2005.

"I am very saddened," Mitchell told the workers and Chinese Embassy staff from Grenada and neighboring Trinidad and Tobago. "This unfortunate error breaks my heart." More...

There should be a job opening for a new Music Director in the Royal Grenada Police Band . Not a bad gig. Any takers?

Tags: world-news, sarcasm, zz

The Bullshit Series: Core Competency

Let's begin the series with two very commonly used bullshit terms... core competency and core values:

core competency (n./jargon) Gurus of management theory maintain that it is a science. It has no moral content; it's just a matter of moving the components around into the best configuration.

According to this thinking there is often some basic skill -- or competency -- at which the company excels (selling copyrights, making steel...) Everything else is peripheral, and thus can be given less attention or contracted out to third parties.

This notion has led to the fragmentation of once well-integrated business. -- p. 6 The D of B

This concept is also closely related to...

core values (n./jargon) This is flattering, for it presupposes that the corporation has values. -- p. 6 The D of B

About the only thing we can fine that's core in these two terms as used in corporate America is the lack of respect for the people in the infrastructure of an organization that knits it together and keeps it from spinning into oblivion while marketeers, executives and other corporate "spin doctors" rationalize how to off shore jobs and fatten their paychecks.

......................................................................................................

Have an example of these two words used at work? Let's hear it... (use caution !)

Tags: humor, sarcasm, satire, bullshit, zz

The Bullshit Series: An Overview

We have decided to run an experimental short series on common buzz words, phrases and the definitions that have earned them a place in the lexicon of bullshit. These are the bullshit words and phrases that have insidiously woven their way into corporate, political, and subcultures in general. So why are we doing this? Well we would like to hear your stories if you can connect with any of the Bullshit Phrases that we will be featuring for review. We have have a suspicion that there are probably some good stories out there to share. We will quote the definitive authority on Bullshit throughout the series -- The Dictionary of Bullshit by Nick Webb.

What Nick says on the cover of his handbook sets the tone for the series and why we feel it's politically important...

A shameless opinionated guide to all that is absurd, misleading and insincere. -- Nick Webb

If YOU have some words and definitions you are tired of hearing at work or in the media and you think it meets the definition of bullshit, we want you to share them. Feel free to provide them we may run it here with a credit to you and your site or you can post an article yourself at the SpyGlass Chronicle! You can apply thereto be considered as a contributing author. Just label the post: The Bullshit Series

Watch for the posts labeled The Bullshit Series in your free RSS subscription feed.

Tags: humor, satire, sarcasm, culture, zz

Ground Hog Day at Camp David

Dick Cheney's Fireside Chat

Another awesome animated cartoon from satirist Mark Fiore.

Enter Dick Cheny's inner sanctum and hear this unique fireside chat to the American people. Astute political satire from Mark at captures the let them eat cake attitude of this administration...

Tags: politics, political-cartoons, sarcasm, satire, zz